Cleansing

I've tried to write, honest I have. I have thoughts but it seems I've lost the impetus to put the thoughts together. I want to blame my current job, which has me drafting and writing memorandums and emails for everything; responses to questions, proposals for lame-brained ideas in the name of "safety" that don't accomplish anything for the unit. The responsibilities are beginning to pile up. Perhaps I've become too concerned with my accomplishment, maybe I'm too caught up in the perception of my position. It is real-life promotion time again, as well. Time for me to find out if I've measured up.

I still have faith, I still love grace, but I think that everything I've been through lately has begun to pile up, back up, and stifle my expression of freedom. Maybe I've begun believing some of the behavior-based rat race dogma again. Well, suggesting it myself may mean it is closer to the truth than I'd like to believe. I have caught myself being indignant with others, along with the idea of being beside myself, looking back at me and asking, "Really? Really?!? Who do you think you are, asshole? Who died and made you God?"

I'm sure there is much more to it, but at least seeing that part is helping me already. There are a lot of times when I really care way too much about how others perceive me. Honestly, I've been down that road before (Matrix flashback). So, let me ramble about myself for this post and get it out of my system. Let me finally express something, anything, just for the sake of expressing and perhaps that can open the floodgates and let the thoughts flow to the keyboard. And let's just hope that it has a sembleance of coherent thought.