These Sufferings

A few events in the course of the last several years have led me to seek counseling. What I do and experience is not normal for the human experience. As I believe I have said before, if not here then elsewhere, is that you can't go through these things and not be changed. A lot like you can't have a knowledge of grace and not be changed.

So, what is the diagnosis? Well, initially, I am diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder, which basically means that I don't know how to come back from the war yet. It has less to do with what actually happened in the way of events and is more about being used to experiencing life in a certain way that living at home is a shock, of sorts, to my system.

The elephant in the room for me, right now, is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is basically saying that normal people have a problem with being shot at, shooting at other people, seeing people die, or even living with a "daily" occurrence of death. Believe me, it is more widespread in the military than many would believe. The thing is, many people can maintain a high level of function with PTSD, but you can't hide its effects 100%.

Now, I say "normal" because I think we have a common understanding of what we expect a "normal" life to be in the United States. Very rarely are we exposed to the amount of violence, destruction, and death that exists in a combat zone. Most likely it is this cycle of going from combat zone to normal has put me in this position of even dreading having to get used to "normal" because I know I will eventually go back to a combat zone.

Yesterday, a good friend, who I have known since I began as a military pilot, mentioned that he used me as an example of someone who has "chronic fatigue." Not to be mistaken for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, chronic fatigue, in aeromedical parlance, is more of a chronic exposure to situations that create acute fatigue; the kind of fatigue you feel after a poor night's sleep. This friend was deployed to Iraq in the early stages, and he has seen many pilots who have been through multiple deployments. This last deployment to Afghanistan was his second deployment. He has identified that two deployments is somewhere around the limit. I say that would depend greatly on the experience during the deployments.

Adjustment Disorder, PTSD, chronic fatigue, put it all together, and the common thing is that I am tired. I feel tired. I am not unhappy, but I am worn. I have not written often or long, and that may be just as much a symptom of what is going on with me as anything else. My case facilitator, going through her own grief right now with a death in the family, encouraged me to share. So, I share here, as I share with the rest of my family, at work and at home, what is going on with me.